When parents split up?

Vote this down

The answer with the most votes is considered to be the best. Disagree? Vote for your favorite answer below.

During my divorce, I just kept reinforcing the message that mommy and daddy just couldn't get along anymore and rather than fight and make everyone uncomfortable, that we were just getting our own houses.

Here are some things I learned during the process:

Never fight in front of the children. Never!
Never disparage the ex-spouse in front of the children!
Have the custody schedule mapped out so everyone knows when/where/what time, etc.
Be consistent to the schedule. Kids need consistency especially now.
Reinforce that both parents love them and will always love them.
Reinforce that neither you nor your ex will ever leave them (the children)

Hope that helps a little.

Good advice. Sometimes we have to remember that the point of having children is to raise good people that will contribute to society, not only to add to a marriage - jaki123 3/4/2010 5:09:01 PM | Flag

Excellent answer from ABBA. Just always keep what is best for them on the top of your priority list. Never allow them to see negativity between you and your ex - momhas2js 3/10/2010 5:54:46 PM | Flag

I think you just have to be honest with them. Just tell them that you dont want to fight anymore and that mommy and daddy still love them very much and that it would just be better if you guys lived apart. - shellybelle 3/12/2010 12:54:11 PM | Flag

Wonderful answer - I would just add to make sure that you both go to as many functions as you can - not together - but just be there. - mamasin56 3/14/2010 10:56:52 PM | Flag

this is excellent advice! I used theses same techniques when i divorced. They helped me a lot! - candicebrown 4/12/2010 12:41:13 PM | Flag

Answered by Tiffinyd {155}
3/4/2010 3:48:18 PM

[0 Votes]

Thank You for the advice. I try to do that with my children. I have recently started taking parenting classes and they are so helpful. I don't fight in front of my children because that was one of the things I had to get away from. The schedule thing is proving harder than I expected though. I have a set schedule and Dad....Well he lets them do whatever they want. So of course I turn out to be the bad guy.

Good for you about not fighting in front of the kids. Obviously, you can't control what Dad does. If he chooses not to have rules then you can't force him. But kids need discipline so kudos to you for being the one. - abbamom123 3/4/2010 4:22:28 PM | Flag

Answered by paulene {18}
3/4/2010 7:25:18 PM

[0 Votes]

I agree with everything abba said with one small exception, coming from parents that divorce when I was young and a few years later to lose my father to a heart attack was very devasting... My mother did say that to me about both of them never leaving me and to have him no longer there was heart breaking. I also would like to say depending on the age of the child/children, if they're of the appropriate age I should think you could talk to them like an adult with good explanation of the situtation.

Paulene, I am sure that when your mother said they would never leave you she had no idea that your father would pass away. Perhaps we should watch those iron clad guarantees I suppose. Good point. - MomUv5 3/4/2010 7:35:08 PM | Flag

Also the thing about sitting them down and explaining about why this needs to be done helps. If the kids are old enough, they need to hear from you that difficult though it is, it is not a selfish decision. Most teenagers tend to make up their minds quickly and firmly about these things, you want to dispel any misunderstandings while you still can. - eve7 3/12/2010 4:47:32 PM | Flag

Answered by MomUv5 {113}
3/4/2010 7:43:37 PM

[0 Votes]

My parents also divorced when I was quite young. I remember them arguing a lot. Even though a child may seem like he or she isn't paying attention, they still sense the tension in the household. My mom made the comparison of friends who love each other, but for whatever reason, they just cannot get along. I knew she was right and we were actually more relaxed after my folks split up. My parents were able to remain civil and it's not always like that in divorces. If you and your ex can control your emotions and behave kindly, that will go a very long way with your children.

My kids have also mentioned being aware of the tension before the divorce and that they felt a sense of relief when the decision was made to split up. Kids are pretty perceptive and many times they are aware of much more than we give them credit for. - Lo1414 3/4/2010 8:07:54 PM | Flag

Answered by MomOfFive {297}
3/8/2010 10:48:35 PM

[0 Votes]

That is such a hard question to answer, and there are no easy answers. There is no way (personal opinion from personal experience) to prevent your children from being hurt. The best you can do is love them lots and talk to them about the good things about their father. It will be a while before they can really process that sometimes we care for someone but just can't live with them. The good guy vs the bad guy is serious too. Your ex probably feels guilty and is trying to compensate by being very lax. But maybe the two of you can talk this out and work together for the good of the kids.

See, I have tried to alk to him aboutletting them do whatever they want. The oldest child is five, the youngest two. So of course they think that daddy is awesome. It just causes so much hardship on me when they come home. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he does. Even after taking parenting classes. It has come to the point, to where I am ready to limit his visitations. I would hate to do this for my children's sake but I feel that in the long run it would be better. They come home nasty and some of the people that he hangs out with are not the kind of people that anyone would want around there children. I have a set bedtime for them 9:30, mommy needs alone time to relax at night and two of the girls go to pre-k. His bedtime for them is when they pass out. Sometimes they stay up till 3 in the morning. As a mother I want to protect my children from any harm and even if that means that I feel that there daddy is producing that harm I feel a need to step in. After so many times of trying to comprimise and talk with him, Im at a loss. I dont want to be the bad guy, but it seems that they already feel that way. I just hope that when they get older they will understand. - Tiffinyd 3/15/2010 11:56:45 AM | Flag